Its been 8 months since my last post and as much as I’ve missed writing I just couldn’t bring myself to sit down at this laptop and release. My thoughts were constipated. Restricted by a cluster of what I had left in my past, what was happening in my present, and the uncertainty of my future. Until this morning, when the overwhelming feeling of blockage and the lack of productivity went away and the yearning to discover and create my “what’s next” overcame me.
In 2013 I had returned from my “break from life as a knew it”, relocated to a new city, met my “real thang”, lost my grandfather, moved away from that “new city”, was technically homeless and living out of my car, lost my cousin, made the decision to go back to the career I never wanted to be in again, was nearly broke, accepted a job offer in a place I never thought I’d return to in order to be closer to family, after relocating to said place with my +1 ceased communication with a few people from said family, got engaged, and this list would go on if I wasn’t so annoyed by this ridiculously long and inappropriate run-on sentence. Let’s just summarize this paragraph by saying that my life has changed drastically in the last year. So much so that I had been feeling like I didn’t know who or where I was at this stage in my life. I had released control, life was happening all around me but it seemed so foreign to me that I thought for sure I had taken a wrong turn somewhere along my journey. But I hadn’t…..
Before I left the country in 2012, I gave away 90% of my belongings. The things I kept could be found in the eight Tupperware bins that I was storing in a corner in my mothers basement or in the 38 liter backpack I carried as I traveled solo through 12 countries. I didn’t realize it until this morning but although my intention for leaving was to “find myself ” I had actually left myself behind. I honestly thought my insane drive to be successful, slight OCD, overachiever-like behavior, deep passion for helping others’ succeed, and my never ending need to create were characteristics I had subconsciously developed to cover up the hurt and pain from my youth. You don’t have time to think about being molested when you’re always busy. When you have a job and four businesses on the side you don’t stop to concern yourself with abusive relationships and other matters from the past. But this way of thinking was incorrect. All those things ARE what makes ME…ME! I do have a slight case of OCD and will absolutely freak out if all of my cans, boxes, and clothes on the hanger in my OR your house aren’t positioned in the same direction. I do have a passion for encouraging others and helping them to succeed. I am insanely driven and AM and will continue to BE successful.
The foundation on which my life was built on before was easily penetrable. It was composed of anger, sadness, and hurt. But I kept primping and painting the house on top with hopes that no one would pay attention to the cracks in my foundation. This new foundation is still flawed, because I’m human, but it’s stronger than ever. Fear and doubt have never been in my personal vocabulary and they won’t be introduced now. This morning I gave myself permission to start rebuilding on my new and improved foundation and I am so looking forward to the renovations.
Sometimes God allows you to go through uncomfortable situations so you can use them to propel you to that next level. I created this blog so I could do just that. I wanted to be transparent in hopes of helping someone else. To encourage someone who may have been going through a similar trial in their life. And while I succeeded in doing that I’m not quite sure who gave me the permission to close this book just because I had returned to the states and completed one chapter of my journey. As long as I have the words in my belly, so will I write. I will continue to use this gift as a vehicle. I’ve said it here many times that my pen is my therapy but now I’m on a journey to use it as therapy for others.
Happy New Year and God Bless you all.