Defining Happy

What I experienced today was the worst situation in all of my travel experiences and it is truly a day I will never forget. I was in the mini bus with nine other travelers and the driver while headed to Koh Samui, Thailand from Penang, Malaysia. As we approached the Malaysian Immigration area right before the border three armed soldiers approached the vehicle. They did a quick skim from the front to the back and were about to let us proceed to Immigration until one man stopped at my window at the very back of the bus. He peeked in and looked me up and down and yelled “Negro” as he motioned the driver to stop the van and summoned a large group of his colleagues. “Negro” he screamed several times.  The driver was asked to open the back of the bus to reveal the luggage. All bags were stacked behind my seat. The driver opened the door and immediately grabbed my bag. “I need to see this bag. You, get out and bring your bag”, the soldier shouted. He was referring to the smaller backpack that was resting on my lap. I was beyond shocked at what I was happening. A van full of people and I who was in the last seat of the bus was singled out and asked to step out of the vehicle because I was “negro”.  As I got out more soldiers swarmed the van and I was told to show my passport and to go around to the back of the van and open my backpack.  As I stood in the middle of the road feeling completely violated …cars slowed their pace, traffic grew heavy and all eyes in and out of the van were on me. They went through every single thing I had. Out of the left corner of my eye I watched one soldier roughly flipping through my passport.. To my right another soldier was removing ziplock bags from my pack and wanting to know what every item was. One bag in particular was filled with my feminine products.  The soldier singled this bag out and wanted to know about the contents. I answered, “Tampons”. He stood with a look of confusion as he pressed down firmly on each one. “Tampons”, I said again and again each time he squeezed the contents of the bag harder and looked to me for a different explanation. The last time I stood choked up and said “Tampons” once again and pointed to my vagina. He still said he didn’t understand. He moved on to the ziplock bag where my travel meds and first aid kit were kept. He shakes the bag vigorously as if he was certain there was something illegal inside. “What is this?” he asked. He was referring to the large bottle of Malaria pills that were in the same container I had received from the pharmacy back home. By this time there are at least ten soldiers surrounding me and I could feel my chest tightening and it becoming increasingly difficult to breathe. “Venus, this is not the time for an anxiety attack.  Pull it together ..please”, I told to myself as I discreetly pinched my leg to focus the energy and attention elsewhere. The soldier who was holding my passport asked, “Do you work?”. Being that I figured this was not the appropriate time to divulge my voluntary unemployment status I answered yes. “Where do you work?” He scowled. “I am an Engineer”. The look of disbelief was written all over his face. He came over to help the other soldier rummage through my belongings as they engaged in loud chatter and laughter. “Are you going camping?” He said. “No, backpacking”, I answered directly and briefly. He also wanted to know how long I’d be traveling and how long I had been on the road.  They also kept repeating the word “engineer” and laughed loudly. They walked away from my belongings and told me to put everything back in my bag and I was given back my passport. I quickly shoved each item back in my pack as the tears rolled uncontrollably from my eyes. I felt completely humiliated, embarrassed, and angry.  As I stepped back onto the van my fellow passengers looked on fearfully as they clenched their bags even tighter. I sat back in my seat…pulled my cap over my eyes and was completely numb.
Negro. An old word that carries negative connotations around the globe. Its honestly no surprise to me that in a part of the world where almost every beauty product is laced with whitening cream. To include baby lotions. The majority of the people that are chosen to represent these countries in the media are fair skinned which is somewhat of a misrepresentation considering there are people with a wide range of skin colors walking the streets. When will the color of your skin take a back seat to one being a decent human being with strong values and a good heart.
For me, this journey isn’t about a leisure holiday or vacation. It isn’t about partying at all hours of the night, getting pissy drunk, and sleeping with random men. I listened to my gut and I gave up everything for this. Precious moments with my Mom and my dying Grandpa who knew before I left that there was a good chance that I would never see his face again. I left that and more behind to relearn how to trust God and myself and to break away from everything that was comfortable so I could finally figure out what the hell I’m on this earth to do. To continue to heal. To trek this sometime rocky path so that I might help someone else along the way.  My mission goes so much deeper than I’m comfortable to say right now but trust it’s not a game nor is it something I just woke up one day and thought it would be cool to do. This thing for me is real and for something like this and the many other ignorant things to have happened thus far they have truly tested my patience and my will.

This day truly left me beat down but not broken. The journey continues…