In July of 2011, I traveled back to a place that I had hated for as long as I can recall in hopes of saving my life. Sadness, unhappiness, and depression had been a constant in my life for years and I knew that if I didn’t face this “thing” head on I was never going to live to tell my story.
It’s interesting how people can look at you from the outside, see your worldly possessions and make the assumption that you must have it all together. People have often mistook my walking with my head held high as a display of arrogance but that’s honestly one thing I’ve never been. No one would have guessed that I was locking myself in the house for days on end, having random anxiety attacks in public and on the plane, and unable to feel any emotion other than sadness for years. I was going downhill quickly and the rock that is Venus had been compromised. On the outside I remained poised and proper and never let them see me sweat as my mother has always advised.
I had been been on this mission for years to find my purpose and passion in life. The six figure salary that had come so easy to me since the age of 22 had never made me happy. Making money was my drug. At times I’d blow thousands on business ventures just for the next high. Hopping from job to job selling myself to the highest bidder as if I were a modern day slave. Never enjoying or being truly passionate about the work I was doing. I now realize that my usual coping mechanism was to stay busy. Buying more things and creating more opportunities that would keep me from facing the real problem.
My moving back to Buffalo was necessary albeit temporary. I was sure family would be wondering how long I was staying, where I was staying, and many more questions. But answering them wasn’t a priority for me. I came with my race horse vision and my game face on. Ready to deal with this “thing”. I began therapy two months after arriving and started healing from my past. To remove the black cloud that had followed me for a great deal of my life. Never knowing until within the last 4 years what this “thing” actually was. I was finally going to deal with being molested by my cousin and my grandfather (now deceased) all before the age of 9.
I have put in the work necessary and worked harder than I ever have at anything else to be rid of this “demon”. I honestly don’t think I knew my own strength. The last 9 months were the hardest and most emotional days of my life. I now feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders and that I literally have been given another chance at life. To LIVE with no regrets. Never feeling the need to downplay my accomplishments to make others feel comfortable. Never again allowing anything or anyone to have that much control over my life.
As I left Buffalo on April 23rd to venture out in to the unknown, I left feeling renewed and reborn. Ready to tackle any challenge that was in my way. Although, there was plenty of drama and negativity going on around me, none of it mattered more than the mission that was ahead.
Here I go………….
So proud of you….*big hug*
release and let it go…
Ra-Ra
Im proud of you and always have been. I know your pain and I have shared it privately also for years. Although I don’t think I’ve been molested (at least i don’t remember anything like that) but I definitely feel robbed of life in so many ways. But again I’m proud of you. As my mother always says shoot for the moon and perhaps you might land among the stars. In other words go for it girl.
I am so sorry I’m late to the game when it comes to reading this blog. I’ve said this to you privately but feel the need to announce it publicly as well…I am sooooooo very proud of u! The decision to take this journey is a decision that comes from a place of so much strength. It takes a special person to make this kind of choice so from you I certainly should not expect anything less!
I am going to read all your post as to understand your journey. We’ve said this b4 Venus…we’re kindred spirits and whether we communicate often or rarely…my love won’t change!
It’s an amazing thing you’re doing…you’re an inspiration. Enjoy!!!!!
Thank you for the love Jamaal. I’m grateful that you found time in your schedule to read my lil’ ol’ blog even though you are 223049823048923049238094380 days late.
You and I are definitely kindred spirits…separated at birth and I love you back babe. Talk to you soon!
Okay VQ, it is not just Jamaal. I to arrived to the theater late and missed the opening scene to the movie as well.
Not sure how I skipped over the Headlining story to your journey all this time. But through our conversations and our growth together, I had discerned that there was an undertone to many of our chats on life since 2002/3.
Look at it this way, in an AA meeting they say that admittance is the doorway to recovery. Put another way…to those of us who profess God, know that when you testify or bring it to the alter — that begins your life of spiritual healing. So, we don’t know your real story and ‘all’ the things that you’ve been through but the above discussion of ‘The Story’ is certainly the start of your break-thru. Feel me?
I am reading this during your climb to the pinnancle of Africa’s geological extreme (Mt K). When you arrive at its highest peak, I hope you SCREAMMMMMM, letting go of & leaving behind all the Vices, Devices, and Bad Advices that have imprisoned your inner butterfly.
You have proven that YOU ARE MORE THAN A CONQUEROR!
Reflection: Remember you use to pull me out of work (I use to be so dedicated til then), and instead of letting me go get Popeyes at lunch (girl I loved me sum Pp) you would make the decision that I should starve and we go to the gym for a grooling workout (really). I would inquire to the workout plan (light or hard), you would say ‘light’ and I’d set my mind (easy, short, Popeyes hotNspicy to follow). Then bam, you would shift into this Mighty Isis chick. Without Popeyes [yes it always has to enter the story, and don’t forget it in your book
], I had just enough energy for a light workout! You said that those energy bursts were more bout thoughts of your relationship you left in England or the haters on your IT contract gig trying to spoil your cushion job in our building. Woman, I knew way back then that you had some deeper emotion driving you b/c the mere things we discussed would not generate the level adrenaline to accomplish 2x hard workouts in 1. Before they tried to hit-on-you, the guys would ask me if you were always that driven. Point being… you were denied a fair start as a precious child, so never down yourself on the choices made and things that happen (your relationship discussed, etc) b/c others tainted your perspectives early-on. Unlike many others, you have the opportunity to begin this life again. Release! Relax! Live & Love!
p.s. Did you know, that year Popeyes Chix francise almost went under b/c of all the bird you denied me!
LoL Lit’ Sis
Ervin
I don’t know how you missed this part either but it’s ok. Better late than never 😉
Thank you so much for the encouragement and just being there when I randomly need you. I value your advice more than you know.
In regard to Popeyes…I pride myself on being a beast in the gym. If I’m going to turn down a meal to get there I better make it count
I’m sure you wife wasn’t complaining at the results you obtain from a Popeye-less week so it was a win-win situation for you.
I can feel myself regaining the same fire I had back in the day and I’m ready to get back out there and create my next masterpiece…whatever that is. This has been such a therapeutic journey and I’m so grateful to have had this opportunity.
Thank you again for being in my corner….
OMG Vee!!! You story made me cry. I never knew you were carrying that black cloud around with you. Vee, I really wish you would have shared that with me. I would have been more than glad to help you heal after all these years. One thing I have learned as a Gemini, you can use our twin to hide what we are really experiencing in life especially the negative parts. Like I said before, I am so proud of you and all that you have accomplished. I talk to Will about you all the time. About how close we were at Aviano because I did not get to know at Korea. You will always be my girl/chica fifty grand. CMB we all we got!!! I will continue to follow you on your journey so we can rebuild what we had. Luv ya Chica…
I’m too hardcore to cry ;-( but I thank you my sister for being a real friend. After all these years the love is still there mama. Word! Sometimes we have to heal our own way in our own time and unfortunately I lost a lot of great friends along the way. I so look forward to rebuilding our friendship. Besides i could never replace you….you’re the only friend I have that can do an authentic Otis impression and make me pee on myself from laughing so hard 😉 love you mama.